Have you ever been unsure, confused, disturbed, depressed? I have and do. I feel like I dont know who I am. Its like I took a step back and watched myself through a sub-conscious state. Im not sure why but I feel like Ive changed and totally lost connection of who I am. Ive definitely gained weight and I hate that.
Ive come up with a couple imperfected melodies but Ive lost total focus and interest in everything, not just music. It surprises me that I still have passion, or something like it. I feel like Ive lost control. Uncertainty has made me lazy and unmotivated- I rarely want to do anything I used to. Maybe this is why I feel like I am not myself.
Right now, Im looking for the hand that will reach out, pull me up and walk with me. I need someone in my life that will motivate and push me. I had that once 2 years ago- I was writing every week or so. I havent written anything in a year. And when I stop to think what if I do make it-what if my mistakes from my past, my dirty laundry- what if all of them come up from the grave? Ive never had this total feeling that Im not in control and hopeless. I feel lost. I AM lost. Im wondering if I’ll ever be found… maybe I wont be. I feel like being someone else..ive never wanted that..not that I can remember…
What if there is no solution? what if im not to change ever again? what if this-this thing Ive become, has become who I am?
